World Peace in Four Easy Steps

Despite the end of the Cold War, the world is still a dangerous place. Many nations continue to fight each other, and we are very lucky that in recent years the major powers have not been drawn into a conflict. It may interest you to know that the third largest nuclear power in the world is Kazakhstan. This is not a thought that fills my dreams at night with confidence and security. (For those of you unsure just where Kazakhstan is, it borders Kyrgyzstan and Uzbekistan. Feel better now?) So I suggest that we redouble our efforts to end conflict and bring peace to the planet. I present the following suggestions:

-- During times of aggression between two or more countries, the United Nations should be granted special powers to intervene. The U.N. hasn’t had much success with military interventions in recent years, so I suggest instead that they order out pizza for all combatants. Nothing causes young men’s minds to forget what they were doing faster than a fresh, piping hot pizza. (Okay, there is one other thing, but that’s too tawdry. Even for the U.N.) Pizza would be a quick, painless method to stop a battle (and cheap if you order from a 2-for-1 place).
-- Communication between societies must be improved. There are thousands of languages, dialects and sub-tongues in the world, and yet laughter is a universal expression that everyone understands. Therefore, I suggest the U.N. take over all military and communication satellites and instead of using them to spy on the world’s population and send secret messages back and forth, it should use them to broadcast a world-wide Mr. Bean Marathon.
-- We must build more McDonalds restaurants. McDonalds has restaurants in (at this writing) 101 countries in the world. Amazingly, no country with a McDonalds has ever invaded any other country with a McDonalds. (Some of you may be thinking that the U.S. invasion of Grenada is an exception, but it’s really just a question of semantics; in some cases involving the Super-powers, “invasion” is pronounced “liberation.”) We must make sure that a McDonalds is built in every country in the world immediately. We could even make having a McDonalds a condition of entry into the United Nations. Admittedly, this proposal will have devastating environmental and social impact. But hey, that’s progress, right?
-- Young people, particularly young men, have a lot of excess energy, pent-up frustrations and an overabundance of testosterone. In many cases, these factors influence young people in their decision to enlist in the military. We need a “military substitute” where these young people can safely vent their rage and hostility. This is why Canadians invented hockey. (You’ll note that since the formation of the National Hockey League, Canada has never started a war.)

Let’s sum up these proposals: pizza, Mr. Bean, McDonalds, and hockey. Let’s break the proposals down even further into their basic elements: make sure that everyone has enough food to eat and foster a sense of well being.

Jeez, it can’t be that simple, can it?